I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
