i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize