Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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