Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
