the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
