P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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