I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
