Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize