Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
