She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
