totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
