in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
