for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
