Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
