I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
