I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
