I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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