porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
