Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
