This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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