I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
