Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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