He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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