im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i would one night stand the shit outta him
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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