Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize