I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
