If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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