So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Randomize
