Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
