its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
