It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize