When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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