I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
