Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
