U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i was born a porn star she said
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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