i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
