I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
me + whiskey = a bad person
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
