If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize