hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
