and you said cock pushups were impossible
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
