You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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