dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
