I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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