Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
