I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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