You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
