can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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