Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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