don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize