she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
my liver is dry heaving
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
