I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize