Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
