Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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