Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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