I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
