i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You took a bar mat shot.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
