Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
