mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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