Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
