party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
