Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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